Letters From Meghan

Dear Friend,

I’ve been putting off this letter for a few weeks. I told myself I was going to sit down and write, but that time never came. The inertia to put the phone down and get off the couch was too great for the fleeting moments of inspiration. I told myself tomorrow and then the day after that and so on until I became nearly cross-eyed and brain dead from consuming all the content from the screen in my hand.

But I don’t want to be cross-eyed and brain dead with a phone glued to my hand. I don’t want that at all.

I decided I wanted to create more than I consume, but I ran into the most difficult part of the process, which is starting. The doing part of starting. Not the thinking or the planning or the prepping, the actual doing of the thing that I want to do.

The most frustrating part is at one point I started! I was doing! I was writing and being present and spending more time staring out the window instead of at my phone. But the momentum waned, and the overwhelm settled into my body, and I slowly succumbed to the quick dopamine that my phone provided. It was easy and frictionless and just what my brain needed in the moment, but the moment turned into hours which turned into days. I was in agony. I still am.

Thankfully, I’m stubborn and I refuse to accept the unacceptable for too long.

My moment of clarity came last Friday when I was working from home, and I was relentlessly bombarded by my supervisor over chat with requests and tasks. All things I had signaled needing to be done or addressed long before we hit the crisis line we found themselves before the weekend. These tasks were now falling back on me because my supervisor didn’t organize and prioritize their tasks.

To say I was resentful was an understatement.

I full on crashed out. Alone in my apartment, yelling at the screen about how much I hated this job and threatening to quit on the spot. All empty threats of course because as I’ve stated above, I can’t start. I can’t start the process of leaving this position despite knowing deep in my bones that I will not be continuing on in this role for the next year. Because the truth is I want to be an artist. I want to create, and I want to create on my own time. But I need to start.

So, here’s how I’m doing that.

I’m taking my dreams seriously. I’m validating them and giving myself permission to want more. I’m taking myself seriously. I’m prioritizing what I want and making space for it. It’s been a slow process and not up to my expectations, but I’ve started. I started unsure and uncomfortable and with low visibility on where I’m going, but I trust the momentum will take me to where I need to be.

I’m putting down the phone. I’m leaning into the silence and boredom and pushing through the screaming of my brain for entertainment. These devices and systems are created to steal our attention for revenue. I’m not sure about you friend, but I refuse to let the best parts of myself become passive for the sake of another’s profit.

I belong to myself. My attention is sacred. And so is yours.

And that’s how you start. You start by actively choosing instead of passively consuming. It’s hard. Believe me I know. But we’re going to have to choose to start every day. And the beautiful part is we can choose to start again at any time.

Do it scared, messy, unpolished, awkward, but start today. Do one thing that pushes you back home to yourself.

Until next time my friend.