Letters From Meghan

Dear Friend,

I keep thinking about how life seems so much more complicated than it used to. I wonder why it is that we make things so hard for ourselves. I often wonder if it’s because many times our hearts desires conflict with the reality of our circumstances, and how this conflict generates the greatest fears within me.

I’m in a transitional period in my life. I’ve been here for quite some time, and now the pressure to move forward is becoming unbearable. I feel the pressure coming from within as well as from outside parties. I’m at the mercy and grace of relatives in my living situation so I consider their opinions because I feel that’s only fair. My presence in their lives affects them directly and they have agency as much as I do. However, I feel myself pushing back in an attempt to keep my own autonomy. I cannot, will not, let others dictate my life, but I do need to be mindful of how my actions and behaviors affect others.

I think their intentions are well meaning, but the message comes across as judgmental and condescending. It feels accusatory, and I think some of that is due to my own fears and projections. My own frustrations with myself of why I cannot move on. It brings up fears of why I am not good enough to start the life I said I would a year ago.

It’s a clash of family dynamics and a desire to forge my own path. My heart says it’s not time to move on. I’m incredibly happy with where I’m at, with my job and the social circles I’m building in this new community, but the message is clear. My welcome is running out and I need to move on.

I’ll be honest, I cannot see a solution at the moment. My heart is heavy with grief and fear. I feel rejected and unwanted and the only thing I can do right now is sit with it. I think and think and think until I’m exhausted and cannot sleep. I let the fear spill all of her secrets to me as I lay my head down at night. I don’t know how to move forward from here. I don’t want to act out of fear or give into demands that are being unfairly made. I want to do this for me.

I’ve finally found a job that makes me feel fulfilled. It doesn’t pay much at all. It’s the corner stone of my entire dilemma. The answer seems easy to my family. Find a better, well-paying job and the rest will fall into place; but that’s not what I want. This job has given me so much more than just a paycheck or skills. It’s shown me true comradery and support and love from my coworkers to management. It’s truly something that I’ve never experienced before, and to be honest, what my inner abandoned child needed. This job has given me so much healing and I’m not done with it yet.

So where to next? I have no idea; but I do know the more I give into my fears and insecurities, the more frustrated I get. I’m turning in circles trying to find a way out and I can’t. I do have faith though. I have faith it’s going to work out, because it always has. I mean I’m here, writing to you. Something I didn’t think I’d be doing, but am so grateful for the opportunity.

It reminds me that all it takes is a tiny seed of inspiration. It doesn’t always grow and mature as quickly as we think. It buries itself in the darkness to ground in and establish a foothold to then break the surface when it’s ready. But it takes time. And patience. Two things I fear I am lacking and do not have much of anymore.

It’s important to honor the emotions that come up, to welcome in the fear and greet her with open arms; but it’s vital to not let her keep your attention for too long. Don’t let her talk you in circles until you’re too tired to act. It’s ok to be afraid and act anyways, in fact I highly encourage it. It’s ok to be afraid the entire time so long as you keep pushing forward. And keep following your heart. No matter what the outside is telling you, do not let it sway you from the truth you hold. The only person you need to remail loyal to is yourself.

I’m not sure if there’s truly a right or wrong way to interact with fear, all I know is that I build the most confidence when I let the fear walk side by side with me as I keep going. You don’t need confidence to start, just a few seconds of courage to take the first step.

All this to say, that right here, right now I am ok. No decisions must be made in this very moment. I am overcomplicating a fairly simple situation. I need to move out. I need money to do that. I love my job, and I’m going to keep it for now. That leaves me with finding the resources to support myself financially to find a new place to live. That simple.

So, my dearest friend, if you find yourself afraid know that it’s ok. Know that right here, right now you are ok. The dilemma you’re experiencing will sort itself out, but first you have to sit and listen to what fear has to say. Welcome her, let her stay, but tell her that you’re going to push on anyways. The answers, solutions, and help will come. It’s ok to be afraid, but I ask that you keep following your heart’s desires. Have faith that you can carry yourself through, I know that you can.

Until next time,

MK