Letters From Meghan

Dear Friend,

The last time I wrote I told you about befriending Fear. I have a long history with Fear; I don’t know exactly when they came into my life, but they’ve stayed with me ever since. I did not want to become friends with Fear, I did not want them in my life; but they are certainly persistent. Always peeking around the corner waiting; and I found them to be a nuisance, maybe more so, a lurking threat that I tried to out run. I resented them. I blamed them for all my failures, especially the ones that manifested due to lack of action; but recently I found a new way to interact with Fear.

You see, I always saw them as an adversary. Their will versus mine. I was always in conflict, competition, to see who would win out. I’ve often heard that in order to get past fear you must confront it and overcome it. I saw them as a bully I needed to stand up to in order to reclaim my power over my life. I always bent to the will and demands of Fear and I was tired of running away. I thought I had evened the score with sheer will, locking the door behind me to keep them out for good.

But their knocking continued, echoing in the chambers of my heart and mind and I couldn’t stand it anymore. I opened the door, and to my surprise, I didn’t find the threatening bully I had imagined them to be, but a scared little girl looking up at me with pleading eyes. I didn’t have the heart to close the door on her again so I did what I felt was right and offered her to come inside and talked

For the first time I gave her a chance to speak her piece and hear her out. She had a lot to say. I could barely make out what exactly the problem was that plagued her. Her frantic ramblings about not being good enough, having no talent, being a fraud and taking up space where we don’t belong all blended together in a single breath. I closed me eyes and asked her to slow down, to settle, breathe and try again. She brought up all the times we had been rejected, when our joy had been overshadowed by someone else’s anger and pain. That time someone said we were easy to forget and how we lost our voice over time when we were constantly talked over.

I was devastated for her. I felt her pain and the burdens carrying that pain for years. I realized that her suffering was my suffering. For the first time I took a good look at her and realized she was just a little girl who had been beaten down by life, who cowered at the thought of rejection, of getting her heart broken and dreams shattered once again. A little girl who had gone unheard for many years. I realized she wasn’t trying to bring criticism but a warning. A well intentioned warning against dangers perceived and real.

Looking back over my life, she’s saved me from myself many times. She gave me that intuitive nudge to stay away from people, places, and things that would ultimately hurt me. I realized I was grateful for her presence in my life, that she has served me well over time; but I knew we needed to have a heart to heart conversation on where our relationship would go next.

I decided that the best way for the both of us to move forward was to take her with me. I wanted to show her that she didn’t need to fight anymore, or run away when we came across a new path. I took her hand and said, “Let me show you what we can do.” I reminded her that she could trust in me, that I was brave and dependable and resilient, and that I had gone through many challenges and I made it out ok. In fact I am more than ok. I’m happy and hopeful for the future, and that she need not lead the way anymore. I could lead us on this journey and she could come with me.

She still protests from time to time, but our relationship has settled into a comfortable silence as we walk side by side. She offers me her opinion, and I consider it, but oftentimes, I tell her that I disagree and that we can continue forward. Sometimes we stop along the way when it gets to be too much, and I find I am much more patient with her. I sit with her. I listen. I soothe and reassure her and validate her feelings. Eventually, I tell her it’s time to get going again and we get up and keep moving.

Despite the improvement in my relationship with Fear, we still have a lot of learning and growing to do together; but the healing of this relationship has enabled me to move farther along my path than I ever have before. I no longer feel like weighed down or rushed, and enjoy that I have a companion to walk beside, a companion who I know only has my best interests at heart. I am grateful for the lessons that Fear has taught me and how she guides me through life. It’s a give and take that I think will last the rest of my life.

If I could give any advice to you, my dearest friend, it would be: if you have been avoiding meeting Fear face to face I suggest you turn around or open the door for them. I think you might be surprised what you find on the other side.

Love,

MK