Letters From Meghan

Dear Friend,

How are you? It’s been a while since I’ve written, my plans to keep in touch more often have fallen by the wayside. I’ve been reflecting on the past year, and how our plans rarely come to fruition in the way we think they should. But I’ve also found that with diligence and dedication they do materialize, even if not in the way we have imagined. That’s how I feel about these letters. I had big plans and aspirations for where this space would go and was confronted by the distractions of life and lost my vision. My expectations didn’t take into account the work that needed to be done to hold onto the vision. I forgot my why. Why I started writing these letters. I was looking for accomplishment, and forgot about the connection I desired to form with you.

I cannot help but feel that the search for purpose in this life has become a burden more than a freedom. When I think about my future in the current climate of the world I get overwhelmed. I get distracted by the multitude of responsibilities and needs that need to be met, whether it’s a job, family, housing, money…it seems to never end. So I seek a purpose, because it’s what supposed to give my life meaning. It’s what I’m supposed to be doing. It’s supposed to give me respite from life. At least that’s how I was looking at and how I went seeking from my purpose. It’s probably why I haven’t found it yet.

Which brings me to the conclusion that maybe I don’t need to find the life defining purpose that so many others talk about. Perhaps the need to find purpose is in the smaller moments. I keep chasing a future that never gets here and I’m worried I’m wasting my life away in pursuit of something intangible. Do you ever feel like this? That you’re so distracted by what could be that you cannot see what is? I think looking at what I can do today, where am I can make an impact today, will lead me to greater success in finding purpose.

I looked at purpose as what will define my life rather than how it can make it more fulfilling. I’m at the point where I’m done running in circles trying to figure it all out and just enjoy the time that I have now. I’m taking the time to learn more about myself, and what I find is hard to look at sometimes, but sometimes it’s like discovering an old friend. One lost through time and distance, but the love is still there, the wonder and amazement I have for the person that I am astonishes me. I’m amazed at my own life and what I’ve accomplished, which is a revelation in itself.

I struggle with being too hard on myself. I spend too much time on what went wrong or what I didn’t do or what I’m not doing well, or not doing at all. I can’t see the trees from the forest and I get overwhelmed with how I’m going to navigate through it all. Then I pause, and take a breath. I just have to take it one step at a time while I follow the path in front of me. I don’t know where I’m going, and sometimes I feel like I’m not only going in circles, but backwards.

I recently took a job at big warehouse store as a front end assistant. Meaning I help cashiers and push shopping carts, and it’s exactly what I thought I wouldn’t be doing when I finished my degree last spring. In some ways it feels like a giant step back, that finishing my degree was for naught and I’m never going to expand beyond retail and customer service. However, I’ve found myself in an environment of unwavering support and community. I enjoy being of service to those around me and I can see how my smile and helpfulness makes a difference in someone’s day. I’m learning that I enjoy showing up and giving to others, that I enjoy being in a community, and that I am very good at uplifting others. I don’t think this is where I will stay forever, but my purpose for the time being is to show up and shine the light I have to bring joy to other people.

This job isn’t completely fulfilling for me, perhaps no job is. There’s a restlessness in me that is calling for me to go further. I know I’m skirting around the things that I actually want to do, but think that I cannot. I think that I cannot take more time for myself to figure out what it is that I want to do in a career, or if I’m being absolutely honest, I ignore the desire to make a living off of my writing. This is not what I envision for myself long term, but it’s given me an opportunity to realize what I’m good at and what matters to me. It inspires me to dig deeper into who I am and what brings meaning into my life. It reminded me of my why. I want to make a difference and to be a part of a community where reciprocity is paramount and I am appreciated for the work that I do, and more importantly for the person that I am. I’ve found this to be a time of rest, but it’s also an opportunity to expand.

I’ve always been afraid to be seen, but if I want to live my why then I need to make myself available which requires vulnerability. I cannot find my community if I’m hiding, I cannot help others if I’m cowering, I cannot find my purpose if I’m not out in the world seeking opportunities. The answers will come in time and with consistent effort. I’m sure you can relate in trying to find some kind of purpose in this life. I’m here to reassure you that you don’t have to have it figured out yet. And even better it can evolve as we do. But you do need to consistently show up for yourself and remember your why. Please promise me that you will never give up on yourself. And if you feel completely at a loss of where to start here are some questions to ask yourself:

What brings me joy?

If I had no other commitments or responsibilities, what would I like to be doing with my time?

What would make my life more fulfilled today?

This is a journey of discovery and I want you to savor it. I want us to enjoy the process, not agonize about whether or not we’re living our purpose. Don’t worry about how big the forest is, just take another step and admire the trees around you and the crisp air that fills your lungs. It’s a reminder that you’re alive and get to keep exploring.

I’m grateful we get to do this together, and I am especially grateful for your presence in my life. You are a big part of my why, and I hope you stick around as long as it serves you.

Until next time my friend,

MK